Stages of my voice 1

As a child, I always knew I had a voice, but that voice was often silenced by others. Despite the forces that contributed to my voice being suppressed, I was determined to let it be heard. And so, my voice has gone through various stages. Now that I have been asked to describe the changes and stages of my voice, I have finally realized that even though I had a voice, it was controlled by someone else.

Stage One

I would call stage one my childhood voice. During this stage of my life I was heard. I believe I was understood and that everyone paid attention to my voice. My family and peers listened to me. I believe at this stage I was also able to speak-up and represent myself. If I can remember clearly, I was able to express myself without being silenced; everyone listened to my voice. This undivided attention to my voice did not last very long. As I grew older, I was often told that I talked too much.

Stage Two

Stage two was when a lot of changes started taking place. It was a time when I was no longer listened to, but told to keep my mouth shut. Stage two I called my pre-teen era. “What you say does not really matter” were the words I would frequently hear when I was trying to get my views across. It was around that stage, I began thinking my voice was not important. I started belittling my ability to speak. This affected my self-esteem when I conversed with other people.

Stage Three

At this stage I had began developing my own personality. Considering the previous stages I had already gone through, I began taking aspects of other peoples' voice and try to incorporate it with my own. Doing so was a way of creating my own voice; the one I wanted to be heard. Still, within my teenage voice, I was constantly told to be quiet. I could not express my voice and therefore I felt like my talent was trampled on.  I also went through a stage which I called the conscious and subconscious stage. Around this point in my life I was entering adulthood, and because I was told that my words had no value at a younger stage, I doubted myself to speak. When put in the position to express myself my conscious voice would say speak, but my subconscious would interrupt and say NO. This affected me for a very long time.

Tragedies and Joys of My Voice

As I mentioned before, I always had a voice, but it was silenced by others. Despite the trials of people suffocating my ability to speak, I never truly allowed them to hinder me from using my voice. I remember how talented I was at singing and acting from a very young age. I knew I had a voice that was supposed to be heard. I sang in the junior church choir at age seven up to my teen years. I also performed in various plays and skits for many clubs and private organizations. I was good at debating and I was fortunate enough to win a few competitions. I was buoyant and I knew my voice was filled with sophistication.

My voice also went through some traumatic experiences as well. These occurrences happen at three specific places: At home, church and at school. At home I was told to be seen and not to be heard. My voice was bullied by my elders and this caused me to keep my mouth shut even when I was hurting physically and emotionally. I wanted people to know how I was feeling but I was afraid and this type of silence haunted me even into my adult life. It felt as though I should not speak. At church I witnessed a hierarchy amongst my church family; only those within the elite families were able to express themselves. I found that I was too low cultured and therefore my voice was not heard. I was bluntly told by a Sunday school teacher I was not good enough, and what I had to say did not matter. I thought upon entering high school I could reconnect with my voice, but even there I was dumbed down a few times.

Being silenced for so long, I thought this was going to be the moment I let go of the fear of using my voice. During my high school years another episode of silence entered my life. Teachers have a way of silencing students, making them feel less important and crippling their ability to be heard. Those are some traumatic experiences I encountered from people who should have played a key part in my childhood development and they were mainly my shut-up judges. Even though all those incidences happened to me at such a young age, they haunted me right into my adult life.

"Stages Of My Voice" will continue in my next blog post